Suicide Survivor ... My Bird is a Warrior

I have thought long and hard on whether or not to write this blog.  I have thought equally long and hard on how in the hell to put this season of life into words.  But the fact is, a voice is a voice and if this offends you or frightens you then I did my job at raising awareness.  This is not a blog for your entertainment, this is a story that is very real and very terrifying and that changed many lives through a very dark journey.  This is what my 2016 was filled with and this is what a very real issue, that many people face, actually looks like.  This is a blog about survival and digging deep.  This is a blog about seeking help and accepting assistance and working diligently with all of your might to overcome.  This is the face of suicidality and surviving.  

Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.  But sometimes, those roads are beyond difficult and you find yourself down the proverbial rabbit hole, only to discover utter darkness instead of Wonderland.  In order to appreciate the ending to this story you must start from the beginning with me.  Not the thirteen years ago beginning, but a synopsis if you will, from the beginning to the now.  Because the NOW is what is celebrated.  Always in life.

Thirteen years ago I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen in my entire life.  From day one she was this precious round cheeked, blue eyed, black haired little cherub that giggled and explored and learned so quickly.  When they say children are a sponge they really are.  Absorbing any ounce of knowledge she could.  The snuggliest most lovable child I had ever laid my hands on and she was my child.  God blessed me with this beautiful little miracle.

 Once Corbyn was born, my daughter instantly became her brother’s keeper.  His biggest fan and most trusted protector (outside of myself).  She loved him fiercely.  From teaching him how to talk to showing him how to walk.  Asking if she could feed him, read to him at bedtime and rocking him in a hallway during a tornado.  She was, and continues to be, a source of his knowledge and strength and example of love.  When the day came to take her to a long-term facility, my son asked her what happened to her arms … asking her, “Who hurt you, Sister?” And she protected his heart and his child innocence telling him, “Nobody hurt me, Bubba.  I was in a little accident.  But I am going to be okay.”  That was one of her darkest days.  She was not wanting to choose life that day.  But she would never let her little brother know that.

On Sunday, October 11, 2015 … my reality as a mother changed.  You see, watching your young daughter be diagnosed with Celiac Disease at age 7 and then diagnosed with Von Willebrand’s Disorder a few years later and being told that she very well may never have her own children, to seeing her bury her father at age 9 … well, that is a lot as a mother to see your child endure and yet she was the one living it, feeling it, attempting to understand at such a young age.  As a mother, just as any parent I would believe would, I felt that by consoling her, hugging her, planning fun outings with her and placing her in therapy was the right thing to do.  That telling her that it would all get better and be okay was the right thing to do.  So that is what we did.  We dove into artistic creations, we went on adventures, we focused on the healing power of music and prayer and cooking together and playing with animals.  And it all seemed to work.  She would still smile and laugh and have fun and play with friends.  As a mother, I assumed I was succeeding at my goal.  Creating a new childhood for a child that had lost some of her own.  A child who grew up a little too fast.  

A little … I thought.

Then we decided to move.  Fresh start.  Better job for myself, while I continued my education.  More opportunities for both my children.  You see?  My hometown is good for sports involvement, but lacked school clubs and courses for choir and math clubs and so much more that I wanted them to have choices to partake in and thrive at.  To find their own fit in this vast big beautiful world.  Little did I know that my smiling child was hiding a darker secret all those years.  Six years to be exact.  In therapy, with the therapist she had been seeing for three years since her father’s death, she told a very detailed, disturbing experience of what is known as sexual assault.  She said she felt safe to tell since we were moving and would not be in the same town anymore.  My baby girl, whom I had thought had lost a portion of her childhood through illness and losing one parent, had actually lost all of her childhood at six years old by a person that she should have been able to trust.  So the ugly process began.  The therapist called CPS.  CPS got an appointment at The Bridge.  The Bridge interviewed her and called an RN.  The story continues.  The man was taken before the Grand Jury.  The Grand Jury “no billed” this man because of “lack of evidence” due to it being six years prior.  CPS believed this child.  Her therapist believed her.  The forensic psychologist and RN believed her.  But a Grand Jury decided due to time, that a terrified child harbored this alone, caused not enough “physical” evidence.  So now this child of mine was terrified that she spoke out.  Felt she caused problems for her baby brother due to all that we were focused on for her.  (He had no clue and still has no clue as to what happened to his sister.)  So, suffice to say, this beautiful and innocent young girl became depressed, hormonal as an upcoming teenager, angry and so many more emotions that were like a ticking time bomb inside her little body.  However, continued therapy, showering with love and affection and constant words of encouragement were what we all felt were the proper thing to do for her.  She began to smile again, spent time with her new friends, and continued to make straight A’s in school.  All seemed to be healing as best it could. 

Until that night in October.  Sunday, October 11, 2015 to be exact.  The nightmare hit that night.  My daughter was going to go home with my parents for a few days and they hadn’t been gone 30 minutes.  I got a text from my mother to meet them at the ER by our apartment.  I am afraid that someone is sick, there was an accident … something.  I was not prepared for what I met at the ER that night.  My daughter had taken a handful of sleeping pills that she had been hording.  Lesson number one.  Just because you hand your child a pill, make sure they swallow it.  Or else they can collect them.  But what parent thinks of that or that it is necessary or a possibility for a twelve year old?  She didn’t know how many she took.   So our night was spent in the ER, her having regular blood work and drinking charcoal.  A mouth full of gunky blackness and dark colored sandy teeth and tears in her eyes.  Me telling her over and over how much I love her and that I am her biggest fan and to please tell me what she needs for help.  She was, for lack of a better way to say it, just done.  She wanted the inner pain to stop. 

They released her to me knowing that I would monitor her completely until we found her a place to go for a few days.  This is when I learned that there is a huge problem in our country for depressed teenagers and assistance.  I called ten facilities between Texas, Arkansas and Louisiana for short-term treatment of suicidality in teenagers.  Each of them having between 150 and 200 beds and zero availability.  I was continually told, “If she is a threat to herself take her to the hospital.”  Well, we had just left the hospital.  They released her to me.  I was out of options it felt like.  Out of love and desperation, I called the insurance department at my job and they got me a direct phone number to Family Support Services in our city and I was able to get her an appointment within a few hours with a counselor who only deals with sexual assault victims and suicidal crisis evaluations.  Her initial meeting with this man was hostility, anger and rudeness.  Not my child!  Where had my baby gone?  But we visited with him a half hour and then he visited with her alone for almost an hour.  At the end of that session he said that she was actively suicidal and needed a facility as soon as possible.  I am sure he gave me the same contact information on repeat as the only thing I heard and kept hearing was ACTIVELY SUICIDAL.  My twelve-year old beautiful, bubbly daughter was actively seeking to kill herself.  I explained to him my conundrum of not finding a facility and he made one call to the facility in our city and she was assessed and admitted within hours.  This man got her where she needed to be after I spent 24 hours calling everywhere I could think of, or was directed to, with no positive outcome.  This man.  Saved my daughter.  He asked her to promise him she would stay alive.  She promised and spent the next eleven days in that facility.  Began medication and we moved forward.  She continued to see this new therapist and began developing a great connection with him.  They went to that dark place that she didn’t want Mommy to know about it.  Even through all this my child wanted to protect me.  ME.  When it was my burden to carry for her.  I just couldn’t.  I couldn’t fix this for her.  Because you see, she was feeling the constant chaos within.  Her therapist explained it to me in the words stating, "She has PTSD.  So severe it ranks with soldiers who have served in combat.  This will take time.  This will take all of us."

The next few months were a rollercoaster of events.  My daughter had two more attempts at suicide by cutting her arms and wrists.  At one point she had almost 40 cuts up her forearm and multiple cuts and claw-marks crossing over those.  We had everything locked up.  I mean everything from Tylenol to butter knives were locked behind a door that the keys were around necks and nowhere near her getting ahold of them.  She was breaking pencil sharpers at school, tearing the tabs off soda cans, anything she could get her hands on she was cutting herself with.  She wrote a lot.  Dark truths that were inside her heart and mind.  She also wrote that she heard the train in class at school and knew she could walk there and lay on the tracks if she could get away from school long enough to get there.  She was ACTIVELY SUICIDAL again.  So, after three stays at the short-term facility, it was decided by her therapist and myself and my parents that she needed a long-term facility.  So again the hunt was on.  Insurance coverage, availability, close enough to home that I could visit her on visitation days, promptness to admitting her.  I kept being told that there was at least a two to three month waiting list for most places and the closest facility was 7 hours away.  Then I got a call on day two that said they had an availability and I could bring her in two days.  That three-month wait just dropped to a few days.  Thank you God!

So, we all loaded up in my car, and we drove all night to San Antonio to take her to the long-term facility that was the next step in changing her life.  There she finished school, learned coping skills, learned to communicate, we had family therapy, she had individual therapy, they took her off all the medications she had been placed on and was placed on one anxiety medication.  I was told that she was actively suicidal (there are those two words again haunting me as a mother) and that the excessive medications she had been placed on intensified that as a side effect.  So, we began the healing process.  Her individually.  Us as a family.  She began receiving 12-hour passes for visitations off the campus and after three months we were told we could pick her up and bring her back home.  Thank you God!

So, we brought her home.  She continues to work on her communication, getting stronger each day.  Owning that she is a survivor and no longer a victim.  Finding her voice to be an advocate for herself and to stand up for herself and to stand up against others when they are abusive (physical, verbal, emotional).  She is a fighter and stronger than she knew she was.  She has learned to genuinely laugh again.  She continues to make straight A’s.  She draws and writes and loves fiercely.  She accepts others and speaks more positivity into her own life as well as others.  She is my daughter and I am so damn proud of her.

So, October 13th was one year.  One year from the day I walked her into that new office, with a new therapist, for a crisis evaluation, for being told that my daughter was actively suicidal.  One year that Charles gave my family what tools we needed to help save her life.  To help her learn to stand in the sunshine again and to dance in the rain.  A-Day as my daughter and I have named it.  Alive Day.  The day she began to live again.  It has been a very long and dark journey with more tears and screaming than I care to tell about.  One miraculous year of growth and I am still beyond proud she is my daughter and blessed that God chose me to be her mother.  What a gift she is.  What a testimony she has.  What a life she will live.  What a splendid day this day is.  October 13^th.  A-Day.

October 13^th, 2016, my daughter was told that she can call if she needs an appointment.  She can call with good news or on bad days.  She was reminded of coping skills on days she has a rough time.  She was reminded of how to get through panic attacks if she is triggered.  She was told all the positive affirmations that we see in her and feel are permanent to her character and personality.  She was told, by this man, her therapist, that she is the “Most proud moment of his life, not just his career.”  We celebrated A-Day.  We hugged.  We cried.  We laughed.  We lived.  She lived. 

* If you or someone you know is suicidal or expressing signs of self-harm.  Get them help.  It is more important to get them to safety than it is to risk losing a friendship or to anger a loved one.  Call and do not take no for an answer on assistance.  There are people who will help and people who will have connections to get you to where you need to be.  

Know you are loved. 

Know you have self worth.  

Know that you cannot see light without darkness. 

Know that it is okay to choose to stand in the sunshine.

The Blues, Bullying, Self-Harm and Standing in the Sunshine

Jimi Hendrix once said, "Blues is easy to play but hard to feel."  Alberta Hunter was quoted saying, "Blues means what milk does to a baby.  Blues is what the spirit is to a minister.  We sing the blues because our hearts have been hurt, our souls have been disturbed."

The blues has been referred to as the schizophrenia of music.  It is chaotic and soulful and intensely all over the place.  But what I want to refer to "the blues" as is depression.  Why in the world is there still a stigma to this word?  Why in the universe are there still stereotypes attached to people who suffer from it, who live with it daily?  Why are they not celebrated for making it through another day?  Depression is something that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy, yet I wish everyone could experience the intensity of it for an entire 24 hour period so that the empathy and respect for those who live with it daily would develop where it was lacking before.

Depression is like a war.  You either win or you die trying.  Depression causes a level of exhaustion that most people cannot fathom.  This exhaustion stems from fighting a war inside your head every single day.  If that's not exhausting then I don't know what is.  Dorothy Rowe has said it best in these words ... "Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer."  A person who is living with depression does not need judgement or stereotyping or lectures or even questions like, "Why don't you just be happy?"  They do not need you to be anything to them but loving and understanding and respectful of their daily torture.  Believe me ... they are questioning and lecturing themselves enough without your assistance with pushing them off the cliff.

Bullying is something that I do not tolerate well.  Not the action.  Not the thought.  Not the stories.  I believe that children/teenagers are cruel.  I believe that adults are equally cruel.  I also am a firm believer that when children/teenagers are stepping up to the plate of bullying, being relentlessly cruel and hateful and emotionally/physically harmful ... that it is because they are either hurting inside themselves and acting out for any questionable reason that can be very real to them (be it being bullied themselves, abused, depressed, etc) or it is because it is a learned behavior.  Parents.  If you are not stopping your children from being hurtful and harmful to another human being you are failing as a parent.  By failing ... I mean you are allowing your children to become horrible human beings in this world and the lesson of compassion and acceptance and loving as Christ loves is absent in your methods of life lessons and humanity.  Believe me when I say this ... NO JUDGEMENT ... we are all learning how to parent and each day is a new day in that lesson.  But, as parents, we can see our children acting differently, behaving differently, groups of friends changing, those that they used to hang out with they maybe aren't anymore and will not tell you a reason - and if they do it is maybe something hateful and hurtful that comes out of their mouths.  Well, guess what ... You do not know what is going on for that other child.  You do not know the situations that they are experiencing.  You do not know the pain they are surviving and the sadness that consumes them.  But you do know how to teach your children to behave towards others.  Being mean and cruel and abrasive and physical are never okay.  Never.  And if you are clueless and you find out ... do not be ignorant or turn a blind-eye and say "my child would never do that" because trust me yet again, ALL of our children are capable of doing anything.  Even if you cannot fathom their participation or instigation of anything so unbelievable, use it as a lesson and teach them, reiterate to them, humanity is the key to a joyful life.  A smile and a kind word go a long way.  Clothing, makeup, hair styles, music tastes, artwork, sports or not, sexualities ... none of that matter.  NONE of that matter, people.  Be kind.  Always.  If you are hurtful.  Apologize.  Bullying is quoted as saying, "I kill about 13 million kids a year."  Bullying isn't a liar.  Guess what?  It comes in many forms ... people kill us daily and slowly and it can be with words such as "be realistic" or "why are you different now?" or "get over yourself".  It can come in forms of physical abuse, tripping, pinching, bumping into someone every opportunity they get, knocking books out of hands.  It can be in the form of whispering when they all by or sit near them and it is obvious they are whispering about that person.  It can be in the form of not including someone in a group event and then talking about the event to great lengths in front of them so that they hear about what they were not included in.  It can be small backhanded comments such as, "That looks good on you.  I would never wear it but it looks good on you."  It can also come from teachers and bosses changing rules and guidelines among students so that people are not treated equally.  It can come in the form of 'joking comments' such as "I will miss some of you students next year ... but you?  I think I will be fine without you in my class next year. (insert laugh)".  And guess what?  Witnessing bullying and NOT stepping in to help or NOT telling the truth to a teacher or supervisor and pretending you didn't see it out of fear or just not wanting to be involved?  That is bullying as well.  All of these are forms of bullying.  They are triggers for people who are suffering.

Remember:  Pulling someone down will never help you reach the top.

Self-Harm ... where do I even being on this topic?  It is disheartening.  It is tragic.  It is heart wrenching.  It is emotionally messy.  It hurts more than simply the person who is acting it out upon themselves.  It is scary.  It is real.  This action can be made in so many methods and most of them hidden well.  Maybe they are hidden well because nobody wants to believe it is occurring or maybe the individuals who are harming themselves are masters at disguise.  Just know this one simple rule.  If you know someone who is self-harming.  If you see marks on someone.  Tell.  Always tell.  Because it probably isn't the first time and it will not be the last time.  Self-harm is textbook for someone who is suffering, someone who has been hurt by another person, someone who is severely depressed, someone who is testing the waters of suicidality ... someone who cannot catch a breath for the waves constantly pushing them back underwater.  If someone tells you they are doing it ... tell someone and get them help.  Making a friend/family member mad is better than living with the alternative of them hurting themselves and knowing you did absolutely nothing with the information you had.

Did you know that suicide is like stepping into the ocean?  It is.  Imagine you are at the beach and you go to step into the ocean.  The water is frigid cold.  You get your toes wet and you jump back five feet because it is so cold you just do not think you can go into the water.  So you sit on the sand and you watch the waves hit and then you want to try again so you step out and you clench your teeth and then you make it out deep enough into the water that you feel the cold water up to your knees and you turn and run back to the soft warm sand and you stand there ... watching the waves a bit longer.  After another period of time you try yet again.  You grit your jaw tight and you stiffen your body and you make it out into the ocean until you feel the water, cold and startling, lapping against your naval.  You feel the waves push and pull you, rocking you back and forth but you just cannot get past the cold of the water.  You want to dive in and swim but it is just too cold.  So you back out and stand there again ... on the sand.  Your body is shivering at this point.  You are cold.  You are staring at the abyss in front of you.  Then you make the decision that you are already cold and you have tried three times and you become brave enough to go back into the ocean.  This time quickly, to just get it over with, the shock of the ice coldness that is surrounding your body rapidly and before you know it you are back waist deep and then without thinking you just dive head first into the black nothingness of the depths beneath you and the cold engulfs you and you have succeeded.

If only ... one of those times that going back to the sand underneath your feet, someone had grabbed your hand and told you, "Stand in the sunshine with me.  It is warmer here.  Spend time with me.  I want you here."

Stop placing a stigma onto depression.  Stop placing stereotypes onto people who survive it daily.  Stop judging and stop whispering and stop ignoring.  People who suffer from thoughts of self-harm, people who act out those thoughts, people who struggle with choosing to stand in the sunshine ... it is for a reason.  It isn't your job to know the reason.  It is your job to be a compassionate human being and realize that we are on this planet to not judge and to give unconditional love to others.  Even if we cannot understand.

My daughter is the most beautiful human being I know.  She is beautiful inside and out.  She is more intelligent than I could ever hope to be.  She is creative.  She is talented.  She is funny.  My daughter is not perfect but I love her perfectly.  My daughter is human and a child of God.  My daughter suffers.  My daughter survives daily.  She has been served life experiences that no adult should ever have to deal with and yet she is learning at her young age how to develop coping skills that a teenager should never have to learn.  My daughter is an amazing person.  She is worthy of love and compassion.  My daughter is my first true love.  She is learning to choose one day at a time and I celebrate her making that choice each day.

I am not writing this blog for questions and nosey-bodies.  I am not writing it as an invite for you to sit on my preverbal couch and presume to understand anything about our personal lives.  I write it to raise awareness that depression is not something to be ashamed of.  It is not something to be afraid of.  Depression is not an act for attention and it is not something to make fun of or even something that affects each person the exact same way.

Some people have experienced life good with chunks of bad along the way.  Those bad things can develop inner turmoil that can be triggered by the smallest actions from others.  Be a nice human.  Be respectful.  Be understanding that you may simply not understand at all.  Be mindful.  Pray.

"You know my name.  Not my story.  You see my smile.  Not my pain.  You notice my cuts.  Not my scars.  You can read my lips.  Not my mind." - Unknown

Help comes in different forms.  A variety of locations.
If you know someone who suffers ... help them.  If you do not know how, find someone who does.
Tell them how special they are.  How much they mean to you.

Ask them to stand in the sunshine with you.

Double Standards, Situational Ethics, Trust and Forgiveness

I have had a lot of deep conversations in the past couple of weeks with a few dear friends.  Have I mentioned my circle is small?  It is.  Impeccably small.  Why?  Because I do not trust people.  Why?  Because I have been conditioned in my life to not trust people.

You see, I believe that as a whole, and this topic is widely debated from most people I discuss it with, that society suffers from situational ethics.  I read the book in college in one of my many psych classes and although the author is a self proclaimed once Christian turned Atheist,  he had many legitimate points that stuck with me and made perfect sense.  Again, we are all human and we are all deserving of our own opinions and ideals in this world, in this one life we are given, so I am not trying to project my beliefs onto anyone else.  However, let me explain.  I am a Christian.  Do not doubt this.  However, I do believe in situational ethics.  This means that people in general base their decisions on situations rather than the root of their Christian belief system (or lack thereof).  It means that people base their decisions on the consequences and the situations that they are in that justify those actions taken.  For example:  We do not steal because why?  Because it is morally wrong or because it is illegal?  This reason varies from person to person.  Don't believe me?  Take an anonymous questionnaire and analyze the results.  Trust me.  What about finding someone and beating them to a pulp?  Most of us would never even think about beating up another human being, however ... if the situation becomes one like a person's home is invaded, their children are hurt, they were involved in a wreck or harassed continually ... well then, the ethics change because the situation changed it.  Make sense?  The basis of situational ethics is that the majority of society is good.  Humble.  Kind.  Giving.  Understanding.  Even from culture to culture or religion shifts ... people are innately good, right?  Situational ethics is the belief system that people are inherently good because of consequences of being otherwise.  So the basis of this belief lies the question of, "Are people inherently good?  Or are people inherently bad but suffer from situational ethics?"  Now I am going to pretend you are pondering those two questions.  Because how could you not?  People do not steal, do not kill, do not pillage, do not do a LOT of things because of the consequences that come with them. Every action has a consequence.  But when people do commit something such as those ... they have an excuse or a motive because of a "situation" that they were involved in or placed in unexpectedly.  Hence, situational ethics.  So ... that being said, people can suck sometimes.  If they didn't we would not have killers, abusers, molesters, hit and run accidents, homeless women and children from abused homes, drug dealers, embezzlers, thieves, etc.  The list truly goes on.

Double standards?  Simple.  We all experience this and even commit this in our lifetimes.  It is a rule that is unfairly applied to different people or groups in different ways.  PLEASE please do not confuse double standards with situational ethics.  They are different.  Most people apply double standards to suit themselves or an argument they are making.  We see this a lot in relationships.  How many of you have been in a relationship with someone (whether it be friendship or romantic or even work related) where the individual is acting in a specific manner yet twists it to look sugar-coated all the while diminishing you for doing the same thing or less.  Let's see ... I be you have all heard (unless you are like my parents and married for decades), "Do not talk to that person anymore.  You cannot have friends of the opposite sex." All the while in the same conversation they tell you, "No they mean nothing to me.  It is different.  I have known this person my entire life.  They are like family."  Ummmm, double standard much?  This is one small example of how this is projected.

So ... let us just say that I simply do not trust people for my own personal reasons and that it does not affect my life in the vast form of living, but in regards to my circle ... it does.  So my circle is very small and very tight and I like it that way.

Now, on to forgiveness.  This has been the topic of so many conversations that have been brought to me in the last couple of weeks.  I have a few friends and loved ones that just simply cannot forgive certain people in their lives or past lives that keep rearing their little heads.  People tend to come to me with this topic a lot.  I think it is because I have adapted my life to the ability of forgiveness.  For me, forgiveness does not mean that you have to be their friend, you do not have to meet them for coffee, you do not have to invite them to social gatherings, you do not have to like them and you do not have to smile at them every day, but by forgiving their moment of human stupidity and their obvious undesirable choice(s) ... you release yourself from so much stress and anger and sadness that peace naturally comes.  Believe me, it has taken me many MANY years to learn this and be able to apply it to my life.  I try to teach my children this and pray that it becomes as natural as breathing for my friends and family.  I read in a book once that forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to like that person or what they did but it means you remove your imaginary hands from around their throat and can relax and breath.  Believe it or not, forgiving another person adds years to your life.  YEARS people.  Who would not want to have a few more years to enjoy their loved ones, travel, sing, dance, paint ... whatever.  We have one life to live and one life to enjoy ... why not add a few years to that life?

Just because I do not trust people, does not mean that it deteriorates my life.  It does not diminish my joy.  It just means that I enjoy people and social settings without letting everyone invited into my personal life on an intimate level.  I can enjoy anyone and visit with anyone, but you will not know my desires and passions and fears and what has broken my heart or even what has truly mended it back together.  But forgiveness?  Forgiveness will diminish your life if you lack the ability.  Reaching that point does not happen over night, it does not happen by the next season or even the next year.  But working on it and choosing to have positivity in your life increases your ability to forgive those that hurt you.

I always tell my children, you cannot control how someone else sees you, how they think of you, how they treat you, how they talk about you.  But you can control how you see yourself, think of yourself, treat yourself and feel about yourself or even tell yourself how amazing you are.  We control our own happiness and our own joy.  Others contribute to it but do not allow them to control it.

When you refuse to forgive someone else you are allowing them to control your happiness.  Don't.  There is a reason they are no longer a part of your life, and if they are still a part of your life, then there is an even bigger reason that forgiveness is necessary.

Do not let someone else suck the clean air from your breathable space.

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future." ~ Paul Boese

How does this all tie together?  Easy.  Trusting people is difficult for most of us because most of us have been hurt beyond recognition.  The reasons vary but the root is the same.  Pain.  Personal pain.  People act out according to their situational ethics or their double standards.  Forgiveness heals ourselves.  It is for you, not them.  It would be wonderful if we could forgive others as quickly as we expect God to forgive us, but we are human and it does not work that way.  However, we are all works in progress, right?  Besides, one day, just like I have in the past, I will more than likely hurt someone else with a word that is said harshly or a look that is hurtful or a secret that falls out of my mouth.  I pray it does not happen, but I know it will because I am human.  When it does, forgiveness is the first thing I will be seeking.  Please give it to me.  I will you.

Burning Embers ...

Richard Siken is quoted as saying, "Love always wakes the dragon and suddenly flames everywhere."

I love this quote for so many reasons.  We love others.  These 'others' are known as our children, our significant others, our spouses, our parents, our friends, our pastors, people that we come into contact with that make an impact on our lives and even ourselves.

This quote speaks life if you truly pay attention to the words.  "Love always wakes the dragon and suddenly flames everywhere."  Now, I am not accurately certain as to the meaning that Siken has behind these few written words, but what I know is how they make me feel.  The words themselves awaken a fire within myself.  This could be quite possibly because I have an addition to words.  Or #wordporn as you will see me hashtag on my favorite quotes.  I am a self proclaimed book drunkard.  Words are life.  Now, Love ignites so many responses and reactions within each of us and those actions vary from person to person.  But, in the end, Love truly ignites a passion within us all.  Passion is powerful.  Passion drives us into bravery and confidence and heightened energies.  Love is powerful and mighty and is believed to conquer all.  Much like a dragon.  Love awakens that passion and fierce energy within us, much like a dragon taking flight ... next thing you know ... flames are everywhere.  Our energies are literally everywhere we turn, in everything we do, in everything we say ... and it is all ignited by love.

It has taken myself years to allow my inner dragon to feel comfortable in flaming up my own world.  A place where the abundant Love that I have in my own heart, within my own soul ... has found an opening into my little existence in this world, and it has created more joy than containing it for myself.  I have always been able to help my children throw flames and feel I have been able to encourage my dearest friends to let theirs free as well, but there is something about finding that comfort zone and crossing that boundary into a land of "self flaming".

"People come and go.  Some are cigarette breaks and others are forest fires."

The people we have in our lives affect our passions and our releases.  Some encourage us and some squash what little bit of air we have that could fuel the sparks into flames.  As Dylan Moran stated, "People will kill you over time and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases like 'Be realistic'."

It is amazing how many of us allow ourselves to be murdered over time.  We allow our souls to be gutted and blown up and shot and stabbed and poisoned ... little by little by little, until we no longer recognize ourselves.  It is important for us to feed our souls with encouragement and with love and laughter and respect and affection.  Once we are hurt it is difficult to heal and we all know it is impossible to come back from the literal dead, but soulful and spiritual death can be reversed.  The fact is you have to remove that negativity from your life.  Any aquaintance of it.  Because once you begin that process of healing and igniting your inner fire, the slightest bit of poison will set you back.  Remember, it is over time in tiny harmless phrases.  You cannot get over something until you accept and admit that it hurts you.  Once you can admit that to yourself then you realize it is time to walk away.  Negative energies resonate much louder and faster than positive.  (One of my best friends, Trudi, reminds me of this daily.  She has a beautiful soul.  If you know her you are blessed.)  It is important to increase the positive energies into your life so that you can squash out the negatives.  Sometimes this means removing people that have been in your life for as long as you can remember and sometimes it is going to be someone you have recently met.  Once you begin a path of cleansing you can usually spot personalities that you need to cleanse away fairly quickly.  Remember, you can meet somebody tomorrow who has better intentions for you than someone you've known forever ... time means nothing ... character does.

We are all on our own individual path in our own existence on our own individual journey's ... each of our seasons vary from one another's.  Our experiences are not identical.  Our emotions, our chemical balances and imbalances ... all different.  We cannot second guess how the next person in line will react to trauma, joy, death, love, humor, joking, backstabbing, unfaithfulness, calming mechanisms, vocalizing or even affection.  We all crave the same substances in life I believe.  We want to love and be loved.  This begins with ourselves.  If you do not love yourself, how can you allow someone else to love you?  If you do not forgive whatever is in your past, how can you expect someone else to accept what you tell them?  If you do not create a place of peace and joy within your heart, how can you expect another person to want to place a piece of their heart in yours and reside there for any length of time?  If you cannot smile when the world gets difficult, how can you expect someone to share your tears when you truly need to cleanse your soul?

"I think I fall in love a little bit with anyone who shows me their soul.  This world is so guarded and fearful.  I appreciate rawness so much." - Emery Allen

Once you begin placing soulful and joyfulness within your life, your inner circle may become smaller but it will increase in value.  When you remove the toxicity from your life you will find yourself more energized, laughing more and even noticing the stars at night more than ever before.

Once you come to a place where "Love always wakes the dragon and suddenly flames everywhere", then you have come to a place where igniting your passions, your dreams and goals and aspirations in this life are at a fruitful point in your journey.

When this happens ... look at your children.  Look at your significant other or spouse.  Look at your parents and your friends.  Look at those rare interactions in your life where someone is making a difference in yours.  Look in the mirror at yourself.  Tell all of them.  Tell yourself.  "I love you with the fire of a thousand suns." (- a.e.)  Because those are the individuals that are a portion of your flames spewing everywhere.

Tolerance

Tolerance is simply the willingness to "put up" with something.  In particular the existence of opinions or behaviors that are not necessarily ones that you agree with.  This is an allowable amount of variation of a specific quantity.  Now that I have given you the direct definition of what tolerance is ... I want to bring up what it means in society per my personal experience.

Tolerance in some societal regions (most actually) means "Do what I want you to do, Think how I want you to think, Be how I want you to be, Live how I want you to live, Act how I think you should act, Listen how I want you to listen and PLACE your true colors on the back of the proverbial rainbow burner."

Does this sound like tolerance?  Nah ... because it is NOT.

Tolerance SHOULD be the appreciation and respect you have for others and them for you in return.  This does not mean that you have to agree.  It in no way means that you have to live your life and make your choices in reflection of them.  It just means that mutual respect and support is present between you.

Tolerance is found in raising children, work ethics, choices of residence, choices of schools attended, the choice in a romantic relationship, the choice in who you are friends with and how you spend time with your friends, in how money is spent and saved, how clothing is folded and the choice to adhere to specific diets and eating or exercise habits.  Does your friend spank their child when you would simply discuss the issue with your child and give them time out?  Does a coworker complete the same job duty in a different manner than you but still complete it properly?  Does your friend or family member choose to move to a city instead of a small town?  Does your friends child choose a junior college when your child chooses a major university or overseas studies?  How about does someone you care about spend all of their income tax return on vacation instead of saving or investing it?  Do they go on a shopping spree?  Do they live check to check and spend all that is left over?  How about clothing? Is it folded or hung perfectly or left in a basket and fluffed in a dryer before it is worn clean?  Do they eat healthy all of the time and exercise regularly or do they enjoy cake and Dr Pepper and only work out occasionally?  Does your friend drink a glass of wine socially when you choose to not drink at all?  What about racial issues?  What about religious issues?  What about musical issues?  Yes musical ... do you only listen to Christian music while the other party enjoys hip-hop or alternative or even heavy metal?

These are only a few topics that tolerance comes into play with.  Tolerance is found everywhere in every situation in every thing chosen or discussed.  Tolerance is a part of our decisions and consequences as individuals (not just adults but children as well).  When tolerance is not present it leaves so much room for negativity.  When peace and respect and appreciation are not present the window is wide open for irritability, judgement, hate, arguments and broken ties with people we care about.  Some things can be repaired and others ... well there is no coming back from them.

"Tolerance implies no lack of commitment to one's own beliefs.  Rather it condemns the oppression or persecution of others." - John F. Kennedy

"Love is not just tolerance.  It is not just distant appreciation.  It is a warm sense of, 'I am enjoying the fact that you are you.'"  - N. T. Wright

There are, I am sure, many areas of my life that tolerance has been required from those that love me, but I assure that it has been mutual at some point in time.  I do not sugar-coat realities to my children.  I speak the truth and am always real with them, age appropriately of course.  I do being true to myself well.  I am not abrasive or hateful but I am "black or white" with no grey.  I love big or I do not love at all.  I am your friend 110% or we are acquaintances.  I mind my own business and only give advice when it is asked for or detrimental to the safety of another person.  I have dated or been married to a variety of personalities.  Why?  Because I get to know the person without regard to appearance, employment, athletic ability, musical choices, movie preferences or even favorite foods or social activities preferred.  I am a small town girl with a city heart.  I see and love the benefits and joys of each.  I do not judge people who choose jobs that I would never want to work, I do not judge people for dressing in a way that I would never have the courage to dress, I do not judge people for choosing relationships after one has ended or in the most unexpected places, finding love.

Some people say that I have a large tolerance for others and at time too large of a tolerance.  How can our tolerance be too large?  I find myself being judged by individuals ... as I am sure we all do.  I wonder if those who judge truly remember what it is liked and how it feels for people to ASSUME they know about their lives?  Because we all make choices for ourselves based on our own life experiences.  Our choices have reasons and most people, in fact the majority of people, have NO clue what those reasons are.  I have been told numerous times lately that if a person does not pay your bills, does not invite you to their home regularly for meals or prayer or friendship, does not come to you when they know you are in pain or hurting, does not reach out to you often as a friend will and should, then that person and their intolerance does not matter in retrospect of my life.

"Intolerance is the most socially acceptable form of egotism, for it permits us to assume superiority without personal boasting."  - Sydney J. Harris

This is one of my favorite quotes.  People as a whole (and I am guilty of it as well because we are all human and it happens) boast of themselves silently when they are intolerant.  It nonverbally puts it out there that you are better than the other person and that your ways are a better option or choice to make.  I believe choices are individualized.  I believe we are in the year 2015.  I believe our parents raise us to be better versions of themselves and then trust us to make our own choices.  I believe that we all have our own best interests at heart.  I believe that we love and be loved and that if we have tolerance it DOES NOT mean we allow others to walk all over us or judge us or discriminate against us.  I believe it simply means we take the high road of choosing to be happy.  Choosing to better ourselves.  Choosing peace and equality and to be treated like-mindedly and that in the end when tolerance is present people open themselves up to a version of life, a beautifully colorful version of life that wasn't possible before.  So much more love and laughter are present when tolerance exists.  Possibilities are present where they weren't before.

So ... my challenge to you is to begin developing a larger tolerance within yourselves towards others.  To create that boundary that shows others that if they implement intolerance towards you that it does not penetrate your happiness, your well-being, your way of life any differently.

Tolerance is love.  Tolerance is peace.  Tolerance is happiness.  I choose those three elements in my life.  Do you?

The Art of Making Wishes ...

"A wise woman wishes to be no one's enemy, a wise woman refuses to be anyone's victim." - Maya Angelou

I love this quote, not because I feel that few women are wise, but because it merely states that wishes to be made, healthy wishes, include no enemy's and not becoming a victim.  This has been a lesson that I have learned both physically and emotionally throughout my life.  This began at a young age of 14, for details that we will not discuss here. (at least not for this blog) We all encounter events in our lives that begin to shape who we become as adults.  Hell, even as adults we are continuing to be molded and shaped into newer versions of ourselves.

As a child growing up, my Granny Tator would buy Aquanet hairspray for me so that I could spray the giant dandelions in the field in front of her house.  All joking aside, these dandelions were the size of baseballs and some getting as large as softballs.  I loved them.  They were magical to me.  The field was filled with them.  She would buy 4-5 bottles of this stiff hold hairspray so that I could "freeze" my wishes into place.  Texas winds get relentless and if a large gust hit, these majestic dandelions would flutter off into what I believed to be oblivion as a child.  These were my possible wishes being completely annihilated by something that I could not see, but that I could feel.  So, Granny Tator would buy this hairspray and we would spend what seemed an eternity spraying my future wishes into place ... protected.  It did not matter to me if they were flowers or weeds.  We simply protected them because I loved them.  I wanted to protect my field of wishes instead of them getting lost into "nothingness".

As I have grown into an adult, life has surely shaped me into something that I never thought possible as that one moment 14 year old girl and the next moment a 14 year old woman.  A woman who felt like a victim.  A woman who felt she had an enemy.  A woman with a secret so large that she felt she would shatter but she continued to bear on her own for three years.  A woman who faced what she thought was her largest heartache at the age of 19 when she buried her first love.  A woman who faced fear at the age of 20.  A woman who ended up facing her largest heartache at the age of 22 when she was told her baby would not ever be born alive, would not ever take a breath, would not ever squeeze her fingers, would not ever be cuddled and never hear a lullaby.  A woman who became pregnant again and then faced the most terrifying day of her life and focused on protecting her unborn child at the age of 23.  A woman who experienced her first divorce at the age of 24.  Her second divorce at the age of 29. A woman who picked herself up after that second failure, hearing that she was damaged goods, that she had no light left inside of her to shine, that she would never accomplish what she wanted to so many years ago, that she could not survive as a single mother and take care of her children.  A woman who found herself again, a woman who finished school, with not just one degree but THREE in just under five years.  A woman who found joy in life.  A woman who, no matter the trials and heartache and pain, focused on the two miracles that blessed her life during those two failed marriages.  Two souls that were flowers in her bed of weeds.  Two blessings that kept a woman focused who would have wondered off and possibly become completely lost.  A woman who watched her daughter bury her father at the age of 9.  A woman who at the age of 32 made the choice to trust again, to see if love was real.  The same woman who had been beaten, broken and bruised.  A woman who had been left alone and had the back that promised to protect her, damage her very being.  Trust is not a luxury this woman has to give.  But, after two years of something that appeared to be real and trustworthy, I became a woman who experienced her third divorce at the age of 34.  A woman who thought she had met the monsters of this world and conquered them, just to discover they still exist.  A woman who is raising two children with rare blood disorders, a daughter with Celiac and who heard the words that her own daughter will never "naturally" be a mother at the age of 11.

A woman who realized her own independent strength is greater than any other strength in the universe.

You see, wishes can be completely annihilated by things we cannot see immediately, but by things that we feel.  No matter if the wishes are beautifully created dandelions or if wishes are beautifully created desires of the heart.

Life beats us down.  Life literally pulls the rug out from underneath us.  Life is ruthless.  Life is damaging.  Life is bitter.  Life is cranky.  Life is a jealous bitch.  But ... life is beautiful.  Life is sweet.  Life is fruitful.  Life is magical.  Life is filled with passion.  Life is filled with joy and music and dancing.  Life is worth celebrating.  LIFE and the goodness that fills it are worth far more than the scum that comes with it.

If you read this, and you are doubting the existence of granted wishes ... think of the dandelions.  Just because your wish did not come true, just because it blew away before you could set it in stone before puckering your lips and gently blowing them yourself ... does not mean that life did not grant a wish somewhere, to someone.  It just wasn't your time yet.  When a wish comes true ... it will be worth it.  Think of your wish, your self worth, your desires in life as if they are the most beautiful perfect diamond in the center of the ugliest and dirtiest coal.  You do not slam it, you do not crush it, you do not destroy that coal for you will completely annihilate your diamond.  Let your wish sparkle and shine in the dark for a while longer.  One day, it will be obtainable, it will surprise you when you least expect it, it will sparkle into existence right before your eyes and you will be astounded by its beauty.

The art of making a wish requires patience.  It requires trust when you feel you have none.  It requires you to believe in yourself.  It requires hope and joy and inner peace.  It requires that you dig deep and KNOW with every fiber of your being that if it literally blows free of your grasp that it was not the wish you were meant to obtain and that it was merely one you would have settled for.

The Art of Giving Thanks ... (Gratitude)

Lately life has seemed fairly chaotic.  As most of our lives get and it appears that with age we obtain more wisdom, but it isn't for lack of working for that wisdom through chaos and a minor amount of hair-pulling (note to self to trim hair to decrease pain from maximum yankage).

But today, in a day that is "supposed" to be filled with thanks, I am sitting here pondering all of the chaos in comparison to the sea of thankfulness that is in my heart.  Life has hardened me quite a bit.  But I have been able to cling to the areas of my heart that are still big and squishy thanks to the Lord and my two children and a few friends I hold near and dear.  Because sometimes we need reminders that the squishy may seem soft and weak, but it is actually more durable and much stronger than the areas that are hard and breakable.  Because ... squishy actually bends, folds, flaps, mushes, bounces and  curves around the other crap that builds up like decay.  So ... I am building a small thankful list that encompasses not just today but my every days.

1) Thankful that I am a blood bought daughter of Christ.
             * Seriously, does this need a description underneath it?  I may not be the perfect Christian, but then again none of us are.  I may not swim in scripture as much as I should, I may not quote the bible like I honestly should be able to, I may not preach, I may not minister, I may not do a lot of things that I could improve on in this department ... BUT, that does not take away that I am imperfectly perfect in God's eyes and that He knows my LOVE for Him through all things.  God and I have a past that only we know about ... we have a survival story that only we know the details of (quite a few of them actually) and we have an understanding of life and love and faith for myself and the journey that He has me on.  I am thankful for every single bitter ugly piece of my life because it shows me the love that He has for me pulling me through them when so many others left me for "dead" in the sea of it all.

2) Thankful for my children.
            * These two littles that have such a large piece of me within each of them are my heart and soul of life.  I learn from them daily.  I need them in my life as much as they need me in theirs.  They are so amazingly different yet so much alike and I love every single mili-second of being their mother.  I reiterate my #1 because He blessed me with being their mommy.  He chose ME to raise these precious souls.  They are quirky, fun, stubborn, creative, talented, athletic, uber intelligent, well-spoken, compassionate, sympathetic, caring, giving, playful, LOUD and proud.  They are confident without being conceited.  They are striving for greatness and push themselves and each other daily.  They are AMAZING in every single way possible to me.

3) Thankful for my parents.
             * The two beautiful people that gifted me with life and have raised me to be the "no bullshit allowed" leader that I am ... well, I have no words.  My mother has instilled in me compassion, creativity, a giving spirit, a loving heart and an outgoing "never meet a stranger" friendly mentality.  My father has instilled in me to guard my heart and mind and protect those that I love dearly.  The process of "never gamble anything you are not willing to lose" part of life and to stick by that mantra.  He instilled in me strength and survival.  To be strong and believe in myself.  To be confident without coming across as a jerk.  To be intelligent through all things ... use my mind as much as possible and to really see things for what they are without judgement.  To stand up for what is right, even if I am standing alone.  Each of these qualities are the best of my parents and I am so happy that I see these pieces within myself.  I love having the best of both of them.  I am so thankful for how they have stood by my side when so many other's walked away.  I am thankful they love me with a Godly unconditional love because Lord knows at times I have not deserved it.  I am thankful that when I was a stubborn teenager that literally knew everything and anything that they taught me through it all so that I would simply know more. (haha)  I am beyond thankful for them as grandparents.  They are the BEST the kids could ever ask for.  Playful and spoiling yet respect my parenting wishes as well.  Because even though I have the best of them I am still raising my children with the pieces of me that are my own.

4) Thankful for my truest friends.
             * I do not need to list names here, but those of you truly know who you are because I do not go long without reminding you how fantastic each of you are and how much I love each of you.  You may be my seester/sister/kindred/prayer warrior/febfff/or long time confidant.  Whatever you are in my life I revert back to #1 because God blessed me with you.  Each of you.  I am thankful for your prayers.  I am thankful for your shared laughter.  I am thankful for your listening ear and your shoulders that have been dampened by my tears.  I am thankful for our stories that only we will ever know.  I am thankful for you sharing your joys and pains with me.  I am thankful that I have a strong backbone and squishy pieces of my heart so that when you need me to merely hold you up as you have me, that I am able to do that in return.  I am thankful for "Gratitude Friday's" and for inside jokes.  I am thankful for a shared love affair with pumpkin and for moments of silence when the music speaks between us ... for us.  I am thankful.  For each of you ... our past and our present.  But I am uber thankful for the moments we haven't even created yet.  For the joys and the losses we will share together. Because there is absolutely NOBODY else on this planet that I want to share any of it with than each of you.

5) Thankful for provisions.
             * I am so thankful that I have a home and am able to provide for my children as an independent woman.  I am thankful that I can provide for them what they need and still be able to spoil them a little along the way.  God has blessed me with intelligence to obtain an education and the will and drive to work hard for what I need and what I want.  Hard work and dedication pays off.  I am so beyond grateful and blessed to be a provider.

6) Thankful that I am ok with being independent.
              * As I stated above.  Life has hardened me.  Quite a bit.  I know who I am as a person.  I am confident.  I am strong.  I am a survivor of things unimaginable.  I am tough.  I am abrasively blunt.  I am a fighter and I am independent.  I am not easy to love and at times not easy to like.  But ... I am ok with these pieces of me that are entangled with the good, soft, squishy, lovable pieces.  Because I know that I am thankful deep down for my independence and ability to walk away from things that do not strengthen me as a person.  Weakness is not an option for me.  It never has been an option for me.  I was not born to be weak and through that which should tear me down I have found the innate ability to conquer and move forward like a boss.  I am thankful for this part of my personality.  And although it is merely a SMALL fraction of who I am as a person it is still a part of me.  Which brings me back to #3 and #4 ... you lovers tolerate me at my worst and laugh through it with me knowing that I am who I am.  And as for #2 ... I am thankful both of my children have this same personality trait of independence.  They are born leaders.  Strong in virtue and faith.  Mmmmmhmmmm ... AMEN Jesus for that!

7) Thankful for my love of art.
             * This comes in many forms and fashions.  I am thankful for literal art.  On canvas, on streets, on sidewalks, on paper, on post-it notes.  I am also thankful for the art of tattoo's.  Yup, you heard me.  Some of you think I am crazy, but guess what ... re-read #6.  I am independent and I am who I am.  Each of my eight tattoos has personal meaning and are very sentimental to me.  I love them.  I have stories behind each of them.  Stories that will never go away ... that I will cherish and hold dear even when my body sags and they are wrinkled up.  They are a part of me permanently AS THEY SHOULD BE.  Written on my heart and creatively and artistically written on my body.  I am thankful for music.  Dear God am I thankful for music.  Seriously ... PRAISE you Daddy Upstairs for the gift of song and dance.  I glorify life in itself through song and shaking my ass.  My mind may literally be 90% lyrics ... and I am okay with that.  When words fail, music speaks.  Which brings an addendum of thankfulness to this beautiful #7: I am thankful that my daughter knows me so freaking well that when I graduated from college with my BS in Behavior Psychology and that graduation date was my 34th birthday ... she dug into her personal savings and bought me a set of Skullcandy's which I have on my head right now listening to my favorite jams as I write my thankful list.

8) Thankful for flowers in cracks.
             * You read that right.  I am thankful for flowers in cracks.  Have you ever walked along and noticed the scenery was beautiful and the pavement was cracked and thought to yourself, "They really should fix these roads? This sidewalk needs a repair really badly?" Well, have you ever looked and saw a crack and noticed a flower growing through?  You may see a cracked foundation from what is supposed to be a built structure for your clean shoes to walk along, but I see it as beauty cannot be held back.  You cannot contain natural beauty and you cannot contain life.  No matter how much weight, dirt, scum, decay, concrete, gravel you put on top of something, if it is beautiful and meant to survive it will.  Like my heart ... with it's hardened decayed areas ... the squishy spots folding around it like a cushion ... one day, a flower is going to burst through.  Because no matter that weight.  No matter that hardened area.  Life and love and beauty will break through.  I know this.  I am a work in progress, like anyone else is.  God's timing is a breath in comparison to my ticking time clock.  When He is ready for me to bloom ... I will.

Jackee Harry said, "Right now I am trying to be in a place of calm, a place where I can chill out and then handle the chaos of life better.  you don't just get it overnight; you have to work at it.  It's a daily struggle."  Be thankful people.  We all have downers, and struggles and chaos and decay.  BE THANKFUL through them.  Have gratitude.  Find joy in life.  LIVE for the love of God.  Be YOU.  Be true to YOU.  When writing the story of your life, do NOT let someone else hold the pen.

Thankfulness.  Gratitude.  Life.  Each and Every Single Day.