Thursday, August 28, 2014

Trusting Through the Scum

Joshua 1:9 tells us, "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Simple, right?  For me ... not so much.  By fault I do not trust people.  Why?  Because I don't.  For me it is as simple as how directly this scripture reads to us.  

Some people are shy, while others are painfully shy.  The difference?  The shy people are simply quiet and slightly uncomfortable in large populations or in groups of people that they do not know well.  But they typically warm up and the shyness dissipates.  The painfully shy individual suffers in a variety of extremes internally.  It is so painstakingly hard for them to communicate on a day to day basis with the simplest of others and situations.  Even checking out at a grocery store is difficult for them and they even can lose their ability to breath easily and their heart-rates increase at such a rapid rate they can experience chest pains until they are out the door and in the safety of their vehicles.

The same goes for people with trust issues.  Some people are just distrusting and once they get to know you they let you in and you become friends or at least acquaintances that share stories openly when you are around each other socially.

Me ... well not so much.

Scum ... here is the fun part.  We all experience this in our lives.  The scum of a bad friend, the scum of an ex-lover, the scum of the enemy dragging us down by our fears, the scum of life experiences like loss of a loved one, loss of a child, loss of our innocence, loss of our health, loss of our faith (even if momentarily) all at the hands of ... what?  Typically another person, right?  There ya have it.  Scum.  It comes in all sizes, all forms, all angles, all times of the day and any day of the year.  It. Just. Happens.  So ... if it happens to us all ... why do some of us develop trust issues where others have the ability to sluff it off?

If this blog has any other purpose it is to state that I am imperfectly perfect.  Yes, I said imperfectly perfect.  I am imperfect, but I am perfect in my Father's creation.  He created me how I am.  He knew before He created me that I would struggle with scum ... and man did He know I would deal with A LOT OF SCUM.  But, Big Daddy also knew that I would have the ability to move forward.  To survive.  And I am here to tell you right now that my scum required survival.  All of it did.  Not just emotional or spiritually but physically as well.  If I were to count the most severe scum I have encountered between the ages of 14 and 34 ... twenty years ... I have literally survived fourteen bouts with scum.  Hardcore, wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies kind of scum.  You do the math on how often that occurred over the course of twenty years.  For those of you that do not know the public knowledge of a portion of my scum, a few things include the loss of a child, being kidnapped when pregnant with my daughter, surviving violent rape, my daughter suffering from two disorders including Celiac and a rare blood disorder called Von Willebrand, hearing that my daughter will never have her own children, having a surgery and waiting a week to hear if I had cancer or not, comforting my daughter when she had to bury her father as a 9 year old, discovering my son suffers from the same rare blood disorder as my daughter, watching my daughter slip away in my arms before going into surgery, waking one morning believing that my life was ending and being rushed so quickly to the hospital that I didn't get to kiss my children goodbye ... these are fairly public pieces of my life, but the pieces that are not public are equally terrifying and fearful and have caused a deep rooted pain that has to be dealt with ... for example: physical/emotional/mental abuse and living with someone who suffered with addictions.  Let me tell you something about addictions, you cannot beat them for that person, you cannot heal them you cannot make them wake up and see the world for what it truly is.  You can only pray for them and choose to stay or leave and allow God to work, if the person seeks Him and sluffs off that enemy at play.  Let me tell you something about abuse. Do not - Do Not - DO NOT judge someone who has survived abuse of any kind.  The strongest of wills can and will cower to an abusive personality.  It just happens.  Do not judge them.  Do not force your opinions on them.  If you suspect abuse, seek help for them but in a SAFE way, do not endanger them.  If they begin to speak out to you after they have survived and left, LISTEN to them.  Hug them.  That is all they need until they ask you for anything different.

The best way I have been able to describe how this has felt is like falling off of your surf board in the midst of oncoming waves.  Just when you come up for air, another one pushes you under.  My dad says they are character builders (which he says to perk me up when something happens), which I typically retort back with "I believe I have built enough character, Dad."  (haha)  I have a friend who told me once, "If all that happened to me I would kill myself.  How do you do it?"  Well, simple.  I just do it.  God created me to be a warrior, a survivor.

I had another friend at one time tell me, "You have a testimony that will speak to thousands.  Literally thousands.  One day you will open your mouth and God is going to place the perfect words to be heard in your voice and the world will listen to you.  When this happens, it will be His timing, because to us a year seems forever but to Him it is a mere second in His timing.  Be prepared to be His instrument when He is ready for you to speak."  THIS IS THE one thing I have listened to ... THE ONE thing that has stuck with me.  This was said to me almost six years ago.  Guess, what ... in the past six years ... more scum.  (go figure) ... but do you know what I say to that?  Well, after the initial "Seriously, God?  More?"  I follow it with a "Thank you God.  Thank you for creating me strong enough to survive.  Thank you for creating me so that when Your timing has arrived ... my voice will be heard."

Where do my trust issues come into play with this?  I do not trust other people easily.  At all.  I do not trust people but I trust my God.  I trust that one day, that unconditional love will pour down so fervently that it will literally wash away the scum, every single moldy piece of it and my mouth will open.  And honestly, I am okay with that.  I am okay with knowing that it may only be one person that hears my voice, I am okay with His timing, and honestly I am okay with scum.  My scum makes me who I am.  It makes me a better person, more empathetic and open to HEARING what others have to say to me.  It makes me a perfect fit for my passion in life with psychology (especially the forensic world) because I see things differently with my scum-vision.  It makes me a good mom.  It really does.  I am able to love on and protect my children differently because of it all.  However, it makes me a hard person to be with/in a relationship with/friends with.  But, God is working on that, too.  Because He is faithful to me in my journey and He sees my heart.  My scum comes with fear, and fear is not of God.  So ... I work on that, too.  But we are all a work in progress, right?  I know I sure am.

So ... welcome to my scummy world.  Welcome to knowing that (more than likely) like some of you, I wait for the Man Upstairs to painlessly remove the scum that causes trust issues.

This blog isn't to give you insight to myself ... but more of a reach out to those of you that have trust issues, that have experienced the pure NECESSITY to survive in life (whether it is once or fourteen times) ... our experiences effect us differently.  I realize my fourteen may not be near as bad as your one.  But God knows you.  He knows who He created in you.  He knows your heart.  He knows your mind.  He knows your soul.  He is JEALOUS of you and wants you to LOVE and TRUST Him.

My faith is what has caused my survival instinct to kick in.  If you are struggling.  If you are trying to survive.  Look up.  Seriously, right now LOOK UP.  Lift your head, look at the sky, close your eyes, take a deep breath, be silent ... SILENT.  Once you have settled you will hear the whisper of God.  That is when survival begins.  That is when HEALING begins.

Because survival is followed by healing.

Psalm 9:10 tells us, "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord have never forsaken those who seek you."

Seek Him.  Survive.  Heal.

Then wait ... for one day God will use perfect words when you begin to speak and your testimony will reach the masses.  Their ears will open and they will hear your words as He wants them to hear what is spoken.  Be His instrument.  Be His.

(A great song for inspiration) -- "What I Know" by Tricia Brock