Sunday, June 17, 2018

PTSD and the Differences Within

Being in grad-school for Forensic Psychology provides me with a plethora of knowledge and training for any future I seek in the field of mental health, trauma, case assessments, aftercare plans and expert witness testimony.  The cool part that is hidden among all of this education and training is how much I learn about myself along the way.

In the early days of my associates degree, and even on into my bachelors, I have had to do numerous personality assessments, psychological assessments and even write a paper assessing myself and providing my own personal case study.  That was interesting.  However, never in my mind did I imagine that I would learn more about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder than I already "thought" I knew.

"Life will only change when you become more committed to your dreams than you are to your comfort zone." - Unknown

Well, I was living in my own personal perceptionalized comfort zone in the land of "Brittainy knows about her condition".  Guess, what people?  I did not know everything about my own condition.

What I do know:

* I have PTSD
* I did not care for therapy when the trauma occurred
* I quit said therapy when it became apparent that no good was coming from it
* By no good, I mean that my therapist was an idiot (my perception, she has a degree that I don't)
* I learned ways to cope by myself
* My coping mechanisms have worked for the most part
* My triggers have decreased
* My triggers can still occur
* When I get triggered, I know how to breath and cope
* I am more stubborn than I am victimized at this point
* By this point, I mean that it has now been 15 years, 7 months, 11 days since my major trauma occurred
* Yes I know the date, always will
* No, this is not my first traumatic experience (just the one that took the trauma cake)
* I can talk about my event, but I would rather not
* I would rather not because it triggers me and I never know how bad or how long it will last
* My life is not altered because of it, I choose to keep kicking ass, not allowing it to kick mine
* It took me 14 years to go to a movie theater by myself, now I go periodically and do just fine
* I can finally, after 14 years, 6 months ... sit with my back to a door in a restaurant or anywhere
* I only do the back to a door thing if I completely trust the person across from me, never alone
* There are only a few of those people ... so does the back to the door still count as improvement?
* I want to be in a relationship (despite my single status, always)
* I do not tolerate bullshit and drama - those will make me step faster than anything else
* I do not trust people easily and once it is broken you will not get it back
* I notice baby pink flags before they turn red
* I do not show emotions in public (it is very rare that you see me cry or see that I may be stressed)
* I am not cold-hearted
* I am the most empathetic person you may ever meet
* I do really damn well in crisis situations (seriously, you want me there when it happens)
* I am nationally certified in mass-fatality training in the realm of psychological assistance


What I did not know:

* I have what is known as Complex PTSD
* Complex PTSD is defined by hostage situations and kidnapping (to name two out of 4 elements)
* I also have a third out of the 4 elements, chronic domestic violence
* That means that my nose has been broken twice and I have two vertebrae sunk in further than the rest
* Complex PTSD means that regular PTSD methods do not work
* It takes specialized treatment methods to help a trauma victim begin to cope and heal
* This means that my therapist was an idiot, because she was not trained for my type of PTSD
* Complex PTSD means that after 15 years, 7 months, 11 days I suffer from "Splitting"
* Splitting is "parts of self are fragmented and walled off
* I also suffer from Boundary Issues
* Boundary Issues are "relationships are either too close or too distant" for me
* No wonder I remain single status (nobody has been strong enough to stick)
* The longer I go without proper treatment could cause me to develop worse symptoms to triggers
* Could ... doesn't mean it will
* Complex PTSD causes fractured alliances
* This means that I will walk away with no problem if it feels unhealthy or threatening
* No matter who you are
* I do this ... I am known for this
* Complex PTSD can cause elusiveness and denial to core issues of the trauma
* This means that the trauma victim can make you believe they are okay and they may not be
* You will NEVER know
* Complex PTSD causes more development of chronic medical issues
* Thes include pain, cardiovascular issues, chronic headaches
* I have these (IE: inability to get a diagnosis on chronic stomach issues and headaches)
* Increased interpersonal problems
* Again, single status
* This also means my friendship circle is small by choice
* Complex PTSD victims ... well, 65% of them become addicted to drugs/alcohol
* I am not ... no drugs and rarely do I drink
* This is because I do not crave it ... and I am a single-mother (I gotta stay alive and healthy)
* That means I am in the 35th percentile that do not self-medicate


As you can see, my unknown list is just as long (if not longer) than my known list.  PTSD can come in different forms including: Re-Experience, Avoidance, Hyperarousal and Mood/Cognitive Changing.

When a person experiences a traumatic event that is so severe it creates PTSD, the Amygdala grows. Did you know this?  This is where I will teach what I already knew ... the pieces that my own research helped with self-healing.  It stays on red-alert for any opportunity to save you from unknowns.  This is where your stress hormone is created.  The more triggers, the higher the stress, the bigger the Amygdala.  Coping skills are imperative to that happening and controlling your life.

The hippocampus shrinks.  The hippocampus is what regulates emotions and assists with long-term memory.  The more it shrinks, the less your emotions show, meaning the fewer emotions you have, you become numb and dissociative.  It also affects your ability to remember long-term memories and leaves you in a revolving door of the trauma occurring over and over and over in your memory bank.

Dissociation is often seen in the upregulation of Dopamine that your body creates.  (enter sarcasm) That is just your neurotransmitter.  This is the transmitter that controls your rewards and measures part of the brain.  When that falls into an upregulation, it takes more to "feel high" so to speak.  This creates altered pain sensitivity.  Both physical and emotional.  It causes for an increase in pain tolerance and it also creates an increase in the ability to tolerate painful treatment from others (such as verbal and physical abuse).


My trauma occurred from being kidnapped and tortured while I was pregnant with my daughter, which was also seven months after losing my first child at 17 weeks pregnant.  The trauma continued when he escaped from county jail before trial ... which at that point I had a new baby girl.  So to answer your question, yes, it takes a long time for a person to stand trial to face consequences of a crime they are charged with.  Also, I want to add here, that my trauma is what made his escape traumatizing.  He was not looking for me, he wanted to run away from the law, he thought he could get away from facing prison time (he was on parole when he kidnapped me).  But because he threatened me with coming for me to kill me if I told anyone who he was, it traumatized me that he was "actually coming to kill me".  Not reality.  That was my Amygdala pulsating.  Now, almost 16 years later, I still have information coming to me on his status, he is serving 3 life sentences, and he will never make parole, but I stay on high alert that when he goes before the parole board in another 15 years, that anything is possible at that point.  Why?  Because that is just how things happen in life.  So, I will never let my guard down.  Ever.  Insert known reality, he will not find me.  Insert known reality, if he does he will regret it.

My triggers are farther and fewer between, but in March (on my birthday) I had one of the biggest triggers of the past 15 years, 7 months, 11 days.  I did an escape room (I had done two prior to this one) and the theme ended up being "Taken".  No, I did not book this room or this theme, it was a birthday "gift".  When I walked into the waiting area to go in the room, they handcuffed me to the others in the group and put a bag over our heads to lead us into the room, where we then had to get the bags off and find the key to unhook ourselves from one another.  The theme of the room?  Sex trafficking in Mexico.  SERIOUSLY people?  Every other theme room I have ever done, is you solve the problem.  I wanted to be a detective and find a missing person ... I did not want to BE the MISSING person.  I did not want to be KIDNAPPED essentially.  But, to the others in the group, they had no clue how triggered I was.  I got busy, I started solving problems and puzzles ... and then the hour hit and I got out of that room, ate dinner, shopped a little and watched a comedy.  At the end of the day, it was the absolute worst birthday of my life and nobody knew it.  I completely disassociated from the day and the event.  But ...

Yes there is a but.  I did not sleep for an entire week.  Six days to be exact.  I averaged about an hour, maybe two, a night.  I could not eat without throwing up.  My stomach issues were in full force.  I was quiet, did not socialize and simply was not in a good place.  I was crying in the shower most mornings just wanting to go back to bed.  But, I still went to work, did my job, replied to texts, cooked dinner for my kids and made A's in my classes.  So my triggers do not control my ability to function in life.  To adult.  To get my shit done.  But it doesn't mean that I was not hurting inside and filled with anxiety.


So, I leave you with this informative (and personal glimpse into my life) with a little information:

You never know the trauma someone has encountered.

You never know what triggers them.  Sometimes it is the smell of a body wash on a stranger walking by or a song that comes on the radio (they are not all easy to spot and recognize).

Be kind to people.  Realize when you are dating someone, or been married to the same person for 20 years, that their irritability may not be because of obvious reasons.

Never be afraid to ask questions or to just simply educate yourself on how to interact with a trauma victim.

We do not choose our trauma.  We choose to live, love, heal, laugh and work.  Just like the rest of you.  We just need to do it differently while we heal, and some of us never will completely heal.  So that means that a little understanding and compassion are really important.  Communication is imperative.  Understanding that it is not personal to anyone, and that it feels like our insides are on fire, with no water to drink and put it out.


Basically, I drown myself in life and structure and routines and plans because those keep me safe.  Basically, I love all things to do with forensic psychology (have since I was 14 years old), and I will utilize my trauma to help others because it makes me more aware and empathetic to the different facets of symptoms and trauma care.
Basically, I still have zero time for bullshit and drama and in order to keep myself emotionally and physically safe, I will continue to step if you do not bring goodness to my life table.

But I may need to find someone who is specialized in Complex PTSD, just so my known list gets longer than my unknown list ... and just in case I have another experience like I did in March, it doesn't keep me down for an entire flipping week. (insert smile here)

I will say, that the plus side to my being a survivor and of having Complex PTSD is that I can do case studies on the most horrific cases objectively and focused (you cannot fathom what I have assessed in the past few months), that I can create an aftercare plan for a trauma victim and understand when they are withdrawn and numb, and that I can be empathetic towards violent offenders because they are damaged people, too.  I say things to the point in direct language.  I have a super soft side, but I will say what needs to be said by speaking impeccably.

My triggers do not occur when I am in dangerous situations.  I remain calm, collected and I know exactly what to do.  My triggers occur after that has been taken care of, once survival has won.

So ... essentially I am not just a survivor, but I am also a winner, dammit.

One more thing.  Remember that even badass wonder women have their weak spots, but some of us refuse to break.


2 comments:

  1. Love your overcoming spirit and love YOU!
    - Stacey

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you, Kindred. I love YOU, and I grow from you speaking so much life into the world.

    ReplyDelete